Ending a relationship either through a break-up, a divorce or sacking is never a pleasant experience. PHOTO.
Ending a relationship either through a break-up, a divorce or sacking is never a pleasant experience.
In addition to being hard to do, it is almost always followed by thoughts of ‘what if’s’, ‘what would have beens’ and regret.
Sometimes,
however, amidst the anger, feelings of hurt and tears, there are
invaluable lessons to be learnt from break-ups. Six people share the
things they learnt from their own love and office break-ups
1. Stepchildren remain family
When
30-year-old Reuben called it quits on a two-year relationship two years
ago, he was determined to move on and forget all about that
relationship.
He even got into
another relationship soon after that with a woman who looked the exact
opposite of his ex. He was set on moving on but there were two little
problems – his stepchildren.
His ex
had two young children when they met and they all lived under one roof
for two years. He had assumed that he loved them because he loved their
mother but this break-up showed him that the relationship he had formed
with those children was separate from the one he had with their mother.
While
he now couldn’t stand her, he still felt genuine love and concern for
her children. He resolved to remain actively involved in their lives, a
decision that most women he dates have a hard time wrapping their heads
around.
His only problem with his new
role is that with no legal rights, he has little say in the children’s
upbringing. Nevertheless, child psychologist Julius Gitari believes that
Reuben took home the right lesson.
“When
stepchildren are involved you must see past your own need to part.
Cutting ties with them will not only be dishonest about how you feel,
the children will also feel abandoned,” he explains.
2. Don’t kick them when they are already on the ground
“Telling
him that I didn’t want anything more to do with him was satisfying. At
least momentarily,” says Beldina, a 31-year-old banker.
After
an abusive relationship which ended in a rather acrimonious break-up,
she truly wanted nothing to do with this man whom she was briefly
married to. When he called her one morning, she ignored him because she
thought that he just wanted to chat. Then he sent her an SMS telling her
that his father had died suddenly in a road accident.
“When I read that text message, I cried,” she recalls.
Knowing
how close he had been to his father, she knew he must be devastated.
She was still feeling bitter from how badly he had treated her towards
the end of their relationship and she gave in to that instinctive urge
to hurt him back by denying him her consolation.
Knowing
that he expected her to support him through the mourning period, she
sent a brief text message telling him she was sorry for his loss and
then cut all contact.
It was when her
own mother died last year and she saw her brother’s ex at the funeral
that she realised that she had thrown away a chance to mourn a man who
had been very good to her.
“It still
haunts me. If I could do it over, I would put aside the hate and be
there for my ex. Bad blood doesn’t preclude good manners.
Kicking your ex when he is already on the ground won’t make you feel better about the hurts he caused in the relationship.”
3. Don’t call him a jerk
You
have probably come across books aimed at diminishing a man’s role in a
woman’s life like Vivian Heath’s Dump Him, Marry the Dog or Melissa
Sovey’s Dump Him, Marry the Horse.
Like many women, when she came to the end of her five-year relationship, Ida, 33, was surrounded by such messages.
When
trying to make her feel better about the failed relationship, her
friends trashed her ex and she joined in, giving him titles and
eventually blurring the thin line between love and hate.
“I still loved him. Focusing on his weaknesses was intended to help me detach from him and it did,” she recalls.
Ida
is a trained psychologist and had the benefit of insight. Still, she
let her emotions override the fact that by devaluing her ex, she was
devaluing the relationship which she had chosen and stayed in for a big
part of her adult life.
It took her
months of self-hate and a diminishing self-esteem to realise that in
addition to making her look bad, talking trash about a man she gave a
huge part of her life had a long-term emotional impact on her.
“With
a background in psychology, I am more emotionally aware than the
average person. When you devalue yourself in this way, it may be
impossible to reclaim this power,” she explains.
Lesson learnt? Devaluing your ex may be counterproductive.
4. Sometimes it’s you, not them
Jacob
Ngari, who runs a feminine hygiene company in Nairobi shares that one
of the hardest duties of an employer is letting a worker go.
Even
if they are a problem employee, it is still hard to have to look them
in the eye while taking away their source of livelihood. Over the years,
he has been met with pleading, tears and even anger. Still, firing an
employee is sometimes necessary.
He
says that he learnt his first separation lesson, when his company was
still teething years ago, when he fired his first marketing executive.
The lesson he took from that experience still influences how he manages
his employees today.
“I only had
experience in providing the actual services so I brought in someone with
expertise in marketing and accounting. He had experience in marketing
and yet my client list wasn’t growing as fast as I expected it to. When I
finally fired him, I had no regrets,” he says.
The
lesson cleared up in his head when he began training this employee’s
replacement. He realised that this employee had failed to succeed
because his boss hadn’t set expectations for him. When he asked himself
whether he could have been a better leader, the answer was a resounding
yes. Now, when he hires the first thing he does is to clearly lay out
his expectations.
Before you lay off
your employee or dump your love interest, ask yourself, is he aware of
your expectations of your relationship? No? Then you are the problem.
5. If it’s a surprise to them, you failed
Alice
Uria, 30, owns a boutique along Moi Avenue, Nairobi. The small size of
her business means that her relationships with her employees can get
personal. Firing becomes even harder. Alice speaks about an employee she
had seven months ago. After seeing her rude interactions with both
customers and colleagues, Alice knew she had to let her go. She has four
employees and when she made that decision she spoke about it with the
shop manager.
“I knew that this girl
was struggling to raise a child alone and I got emotional and delayed
the sack telling myself that I was giving her time to change,” she
recalls.
Somehow, the employee got to
hear about it and with zero motivation to work, she focused all her
energy on poisoning all the other employees. When she finally left, she
had not only stolen money, but also Alice’s customers.
“That
you should not postpone the inevitable was a good lesson but this is
not to say that firing should be spontaneous. If it comes as a surprise
to your employee, you will have failed as an employer. It means that
communication from your end was wanting. On the other hand, once you
have determined that someone should be fired, reluctance may result in
suffering for all involved,” explains Beatrice Kilonzo, a human
resources consultant.
Your gut will
never steer you wrong. The hard decisions have to be made. The quicker
you do it, the less painful it will be for all involved.
6. You are not obligated to be sad
Last
Christmas Susan Makori and her partner decided that their two-year
relationship was not working. While the man is devastated, Susan feels
no sadness at all.
While he agrees
that it is not the typical reaction to a break-up, Nairobi-based
therapist Ezekiel Kobia says that it is normal not to feel anything
after a break-up or even to feel a sense of relief.
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