Chris Lyimo and Wandia Njoya on their wedding day on July 30, 2015. They
are both 44. By the time they met a year ago, they had long given up on
marriage. PHOTO
By the time they met each other a year ago, Chris Lyimo and Wandia Njoya, both 44, had long given up on marriage.
“The
beauty about dating in your forties is that there is no time for
playing games. We stated clearly from the beginning that we were dating
on the premise that we could get married. There didn’t seem to be a
valid reason to wait,” says Wandia.
Their
unique love story culminated in a unique ceremony that had them both
wearing jeans in a wedding aptly themed, “New Beginnings” to celebrate
victory over their unhappy pasts, and to celebrate second chances.
“I
once told a friend that if I got married, I would do so in jeans, but
he laughed me off and said I would have a very difficult time finding a
woman who would agree to my idea. When I mentioned it to Wandia in
passing one day while on a date, she told me it was a good idea, but of
course, I thought she was joking,” says Chris, smiling at the memory.
“He did not believe I was actually going to go through with it until we went to the tailor.”
On
the wedding day, Chris was the first to walk down the aisle with his
mother and teenage son, (from a previous relationship) by his side,
which was by itself a unique act that ushered the couple boldly into a
future they had previously thought impossible.
Chris,
an addictions counsellor, blogger and creative writer, met Wandia
Njoya, a lecturer, at a writing workshop at Daystar University, where
she also teaches. A couple of weeks after the workshop, the two bumped
into each other on a bus, on their way home after church.
“When
the person seated next to her alighted, I quickly got up from my seat
and sat next to her. We talked about everything under the sun during
that short journey,” says Chris.
He
had not really thought of Wandia as a potential mate, since he had long
resigned himself to the idea of being single for life. A recovering
alcoholic, his life was solely dedicated to helping people who were
fighting the demons that had once tormented him.
Chris candidly talks about his experience in his book, My Side of the Street: One Man’s Journey from Alcoholism to Sobriety. He bares his soul about the immense pain of domestic violence, addiction, depression and growing up in a dysfunctional family.
At
the time, his narrative about himself was that he was not man enough,
not just because he did not complete university, but because his name
was associated with the term ‘alcoholic’ .
“I
belittled myself. I told myself that I was a failure because I did not
have impressive papers, because I am a recovering alcoholic, and because
I do not live with my son, like other fathers do with their children.”
Chris shares custody of his son with his mother.
There
was also pressure from extended family and friends to marry, even
though he had not found the person to settle down with. This changed
when he met Wandia though. The more he interacted with her, the more
what he thought about himself changed.
People
often told her that she was too bold, too outspoken and too educated,
(she has a PhD in French and African Literature) to have or keep a man,
and she believed them.
“A past
relationship crumbled just as I was beginning my Master’s degree. Some
people who knew me automatically assumed that my going back to school
was the reason my relationship ended, even though that was not the case;
it was one of those really bad relationships that simply had to end,”
she explains.
After graduating with a
Master’s degree, she went to teach at Daystar University, where the
then Deputy Vice Chancellor encouraged her to go back to school and
study for a PhD.
For a fleeting
moment, she wondered how this would affect her marriageability, but with
the DVC’s encouragement, she applied to a university abroad and was
accepted.
“As much as I wanted to
further my studies, I also believed that my fate was now sealed. I
thought to myself: Which man would want to marry me now?”
“The pressure to get married was mostly from myself though, because my family never questioned why I was single.”
When
she turned 39, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, something that
took a toll on her self-esteem even more, and convinced her that no man
would want her.
“I had a couple of
surgeries which left my body scarred. Again, I wondered what man would
accept a scarred woman. When I went to hospital for my first biopsy, I
saw a poster that linked breast cancer with childlessness, which really
hurt and made me feel as if I was condemned,” she explains.
Much later, it is Chris who would point out to her that her scars are evidence of victory over a terminal illness.
Her
self-esteem had taken such a beating over the years, that when Wandia
graduated with a PhD, she would shy away from being introduced, or
introducing herself by her title, Doctor, and would instead introduce
herself as a “teacher”.
It was not until she listened to a sermon in church that she fully embraced herself, and her “womanliness.”
“In
summary, the preacher said that we are women because God made us women,
and that just because we don’t have husbands and children does not make
us less of women.”
From then on, she
put all her effort into her job, and resolved to become a happy single
woman. Until that fateful bus ride with Chris.
Wandia
called Chris one day, weeks after that bus ride, to ask him for a copy
of his book. Her book club had decided to read an autobiography, and she
wanted to suggest his.
Chris sent
her his book, and waited with bated breath for her reaction, afraid of
how she would handle the knowledge about his past, since his book was a
tell-all.
“I had been judged and
rejected before, and the feeling is harsh. To my relief, I did not get
any of this from Wandia, instead, she simply informed me that she was
going to do a book review.”
In it,
she explored the subtle factors that people often take for granted in
alcoholism; depression and masculinity, something Chris had never
considered before.
Chris was stunned
and touched by her insight into his life. A friendship quickly blossomed
after this, one nurtured by exchange of numerous WhatsApp messages and
going on a few plays and coffee dates.
Neither
of them, however, officially declared interest in each other. Not until
Chris attended a workshop, (on Wandia’s invitation) titled “The Soul of
Sex,” where the speaker explained that the original meaning of “erotic”
and “intimacy” was more than just sex, rather, about passion and zest
for life.
“On my way home after that
workshop, I realised that the wonderful time I was having with Wandia
could be described as erotic, even though there was no sex or hint of it
in our relationship. It suddenly hit me that this was the woman I
wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
He called her the next day and asked, “Would you be my girlfriend with the possibility of courtship leading to marriage?”
Wandia said yes. Three times in fact.
One month into their courtship, Wandia asked Chris to meet her father.
“Because
of his troubled past, I wanted my father to meet and get to know Chris
before he heard about him from anyone else. I had thought the meeting
would be brief, but they ended up spending over seven hours together,”
she says.
“As we parted later that
day, Wandia’s father told me that he saw that I was mature. Later, when
her family met mine, her father told everyone present that he had
interviewed me, and that I had passed the interview,” Chris laughs.
The recurring question Chris’s family had for Wandia was whether she knew about his troubled past.
“I
suppose they were surprised that she would love someone with a past
like mine. But they were not alone…I couldn’t believe it myself. Perhaps
that is why I broke down in tears just before the wedding ceremony. I
could not believe how blessed I was to experience forgiveness, freedom, a
new beginning and the love of such an incredible woman.”
“I had hoped to meet a man that would see past my scars and my PhD. Chris did. When he looked at me, he saw a woman.”
Wandia
and Chris deliberately talk about their varying academic backgrounds
and income, since they do not want it to be a barrier in their marriage.
“Wandia
is more educated that I am, and earns more than I do – in our society,
this is a huge challenge in some marriages. It is something we
acknowledged during courtship, and found a way to deal with.”
To
begin with, they decided that Chris’s income would go to their savings,
while they would use Wandia’s income for their day-to-day expenses.
“We
know that the world narrowly defines manhood by the property a man has,
his education and financial status, but provision is not always
financial, and going to school does not necessarily mean that you’re
intelligent.
We talk through these
things over and over again because we know people will keep throwing
them back at us, so we need to make a concerted effort to face such
scenarios boldly.”
They have been married for just a few weeks, but this challenge has reared its head a couple of times.
“I
have been in situations where I’ve been introduced simply as “Dr
Wandia’s husband” and I am okay with that,” says Chris, adding that
although his wife sometimes shies away from her title, he keeps
reassuring her that he is proud of her accomplishments, and that she
should wear them proudly.
“Her
intellect was one of the characteristics that attracted me to her,
besides, she was already Dr Wandia when I met her, and when we started
dating, I found that her knowledge was of great benefit to our
relationship.”
The happy couple is in
the process of setting up an initiative that will help people to let go
of their pasts and embrace the second chance that life offers. Their
marriage, they believe, is their second chance, their new beginning.
As for getting children, they will “let God’s will to prevail.”
