Your boyfriend needs to understand that his excuses about this woman being just a Facebook friend leaves you as hurt as you would be if she were right there in front of you. PHOTO | FILE
I have been in a relationship for one year now. One day, I found out that my boyfriend had posted a love song on another woman’s Facebook wall. I also noticed that he called her sweet names.
He once wrote how he missed her dearly, recalling some sweet moments they had had.
When I confronted him, he said the woman was just a Facebook friend and that they had never met. I now do not trust him. Do you think I am wrong?
Hi,
Every person has a right to their feelings, particularly when it comes to relationships. Your partner has no right to dismiss, ignore, or trivialise your ideas or feelings on any issue.
It is okay to reason, but we all need some level of empathy, validation, and appreciation. When we behave as though our partner’s feelings do not matter, it could just be the final straw that breaks the relationship.
You have a right to affirm your feelings to him. The fact here is not if he was having a real affair with a “real” woman. The issue is that an affair starts in the mind before it walks into the marriage. It starts with those fantasies about that imaginary person of the opposite sex. When you find them, it is as though they are alive right from the beginning.
Your boyfriend needs to understand that his excuses about this woman being just a Facebook friend leaves you as hurt as you would be if she were right there in front of you. Great relationships are based on agreement to remain faithful, both physically and emotionally.
Your boyfriend needs to spell out his values so that you are clear on what drives him.
**********
My boyfriend doesn’t have time for me
Hi,
We are both 24. My boyfriend is always so busy that even when we are at the same place, we have no time to be together. When I request him to meet me, he says he is busy.
Kindly advise whether this relationship is taking us anywhere. Are we just wasting our time?
Disturbed
Hi,
I will revisit a similar question I responded to in May concerning relationship problems that existed because we did not know or understand each other’s love language.
From what you have written, it looks as if your problem is centred on the differences between the way men and women communicate and receive love. You value time spent together while your man seems unbothered. Yes, he might be busy, but the truth is that we value what we treasure.
Like any other value in a relationship, spending time together communicates many things, among them, “I am valued”, “I belong”, “I am affirmed”, “I am important”. In addition, understanding what values make a relationship thrive may be different for men and women.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr Gary Chapman explains how important it is for couples to understand how men and women give and receive love.
Dr Chapman asks: “Is it possible for couples to truly love each other, but to truly feel unloved because they don’t think the same about giving and receiving love?”
Dr Chapman argues that by understanding our spouse’s love language and acting accordingly, we will fill their “love tank”.
For you right now, spending time together embodies what this relationship needs to grow. Currently, you feel that your love tank is running on fumes because of his absence from the relationship.
Finding time to be together will give you and your partner an opportunity to: 1) Affirm each other; 2) serve each other; 3) provide affection; 4) spare quality time to bond.
Take time to understand where your partner is coming from. Maybe he has a lot on his mind that might not have anything to do with the relationship.
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I could move on, but what about my girls?
Hallo,
I met this woman four years ago when she was in college. We dated for some months, after which she moved in with me. At that time I was working far from home and would return to my place once a week.
After a month, she started seeing other men and bringing them to my house, even letting them spend nights there when I was not around. When I learnt about her behaviour, I ended the relationship and she moved back to her parents’ home, claiming that she was pregnant. When her parents learnt about the supposed pregnancy, they threw her out and she went to live in a rural area with one of her many boyfriends.
She called me after some time, saying that she was suffering a lot and wanted us to get back together. I sent her bus fare and she came back. We had a long discussion and she apologised and promised to be faithful. We now have two daughters.
It has been four months since she ran back to her parents’ home. Nowadays she does not answer my calls. What should I do? Should I leave her and move on. What about my daughters, whom I really love?
Pet
Hi,
You have told me very little regarding why she ran away the second time. It seems your relationship has many unresolved issues. Could her running away have anything to do with her past issues?
Maybe she felt judged and blamed for her past mistakes. Could it also be that she felt condemned by the fact that you were the Mr Good Guy while she felt some inadequacy within? I believe your answer lies in your resolve.
If you truly love her and your children, then do her a favour and show it by visiting her parents’ home and settling the pending issues. If you could forgive her past mistakes, I believe nothing else can be unforgivable. Her running away can only stop if she feels safe and accepted for who she is. Maybe all she needs is such guarantee.
On the other hand, if there are other issues you do not know about, they could just come up during your visit.
Dealing with this will require love. Remember that love is kind, patient, enduring, and persevering. Reach out with practical love. The worst that can happen is that she will say no. Then you will know what to do regarding the children.
*********
I need him out of my life for good, but how?
Dear Kitoto,
I am a 28-year-old single mother of a girl aged three.
I met her father seven years ago and our relationship was on and off because I found out that he was dishonest about the things I considered important. For instance, he cheated on me twice and refused to let me meet his family.
I got pregnant with my daughter after reconciling with him. He asked me to get an abortion but I refused. I was in Third Year at the university and even though I was working, the rejection and having to cater for my unborn child took a toll on me.
He disappeared during the whole pregnancy, but came back when the baby was two months old. He claimed he felt that I had trapped him with the pregnancy, but that he was sorry and willing to work things out.
I forgave him for the sake of my daughter and we began working towards formalising our relationship. Several months later, we set a date to meet his people and he promised to pick me up with the baby for the visit.
However, he did not show up and did not bother to explain until a week later, when he claimed that he had only promised me that to cool me down. I felt hurt but still held on, hoping he would change.
I moved from the town where I was living following a job transfer. I let him know that it would be the last time he would see the baby and I because I felt that he was never going to commit to us.
It has been one year and I have really tried to move on and build relationships with other men without success.
The other day, he got in touch and claimed that he was truly sorry for hurting me and that I should give him another chance. I cannot. I have heard that line many times before.
The man has never held a stable job in his life. I have had to support him in the past and much as I did not mind then, I do not think I can do so now. I think he is only after my money.
By God’s grace, I have managed to raise my daughter without his input.
Against his reasoning that I was wasting time and money, I completed my degree and got a better-paying job.
I need to get this man out of my life for good, but I wonder if I am judging him harshly, if I am denying my daughter an opportunity to know her father.
Help me make a decision. My parents are also against us getting back together because they feel he is dishonest.
AE
Hi,
I must congratulate you for a job well done with your daughter. Being a single parent is not easy, leave alone trying to make a sour relationship work.
I am afraid that, from what you have revealed, this man is not serious at all. When you gave birth, he disappeared. He has never been actively involved and committed to the relationship.
You need to evaluate him, bearing in mind all the factors that make a good relationship. In the end, you have to ask yourself why you should trust him this time round.
In fact, why don’t you two date for some time so that you can decide whether he has really changed and whether he is the kind of man you want as a father for your daughter?
You do not want to expose your daughter to a father who is in and out of her life. Remember that he wanted you to abort this child. I know that, at the proper time, he will have the right to get visitation rights. This will be determined as the law deems fit, but the choice as to whether or not he comes back into your life lies with you.
*********
I don’t know what to make of her actions
Hi,
I have been dating a Muslim girl and almost converted to Islam. She had told me that she had separated with her ex.
Last weekend, I called her early in the morning and the man answered the phone. He asked me if I knew she had a man in her life. He then told me she had been telling him that she had told me to stop calling her, but that I had persisted. Then the woman took the phone and told me never to call her again.
The following day, she called, asking for forgiveness. Should I forgive her or do I just move on?
Hi,
I feel that you have a duty to know what a woman should be to you. You have to determine what a worthwhile relationship should be like.
What I see here is a relationship where this woman is playing with both you and the other man.
Could it be that she does not know what she wants in a relationship? I believe if she does not, she will learn from one of you.
In the meantime, whether you would take her back or not, it is important for you to forgive. If you have to part, do so peacefully.
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