My wife’s closeness to my best man has got his wife hot under the collar.Drive Hot News

A lady in an abusive relationship sharing her experience with a friend. Nobody should live in fear and allow their partner to constantly abuse them physically and emotionally. FILE PHOTO

Hi,
My wife and I have had a very friendly relationship with the best couple at our wedding for many years. However, they have had perennial quarrels. My best man approached my wife to advise his wife for the sake of unity in their family. It worked for a while, but has now backfired badly. His wife suspects that my wife is his secret lover, and therefore, a home breaker. I have no evidence and she has not provided any. She is not willing for us to sit down as two families to discuss the issue. I have also noted that my wife is close to her husband, but I have no evidence to back my suspicion. Our best maid wishes my wife would leave her husband alone. Is that possible? How do I deal with rumours and suspicion in marriage.

Hi,
I am glad you have called them rumours and suspicion. If, indeed, you have this great a relationship, don’t you think your best couple’s desire to get help from your wife should have included you? How could he involve your wife without your knowledge. Besides, how could your wife meet this man regularly without you being part of the plan. I find this an omission on both your part and his part.

Second, relationships can be messy and can at times hurt the very people who are supposed to be protected within them. I feel your current confusion. The mess that is starting to emerge can only be sorted out, first, by three people, namely you, your best man and your wife. Sit down together and set boundaries. This should be followed by a meeting between you and your wife, and your best couple. If the woman refuses to come to the discussion, then love her as a half of the couple, while encouraging them to seek help from a professional counsellor.

And if she doesn’t come, your wife and your best man should stop communicating. It will only add fuel to the fire.

I am fed up with my irresponsible drunkard

Dear Sir,

I am 36 and I have been married for 13 years. I have two lovely children. My husband is an irresponsible drunkard. When he’s working, he pays only the house rent, which is always in arrears. So to avoid being shamed, I pay.

He has been jobless for a year now, so I take care of all expenses. He gets casual jobs but when he is paid, he would occasionally buy a packet of milk, and then spend the rest on booze. I have asked my mother-in-law to talk to him but she is unconcerned.

Once, I took him to see a counsellor, but he later accused me of having tricked him into going there. Mark you, we had agreed on the visit. I am worried and I sometimes think of committing suicide.

For the last seven years, I have lived with bitterness. Now I hate marriage. When I talk to my parents, who are staunch Christians, they say God doesn’t like divorce, and that they cannot advocate for it.

Earlier, my husband used to be very violent when drunk and would beat me up badly – until the day I lied to him that I had reported him to the police, and that he would be arrested if he ever beat me again.

He has no time to discuss anything. He often comes home late and drunk. He told me he would not stop drinking.

When I suggest that we buy land and build a home, he tells me that the small house he built in his parents homestead is enough for him. I am confused. Please advise me because I want to leave this man.

Hi,

I empathise with you for all you have been through. It is unimaginable that you have endured this abuse and neglect for so long. However, given the amount of time you have sacrificed in this marriage, it seems your desire has always been to see it work.

I have two observations: First is your parents’ view of marriage. I really do not think their desire should be limited to having you committed to the marriage; they should also help ensure that there’s harmony in your marriage.

My second observation has to do with your decisions. What has kept you in the relationship this long? Is it fear of losing him, a desire to please your parents, or a commitment to seeing things work. The way things stand now, one can only hope they improve. However, he needs help, and so do you. But the decision must be mainly yours, with the support of your parents.

I am surprised that his parents can sit back and watch their son get consumed by alcoholism. If his parents don’t care, you need to take a step of faith and get him the much-needed help. If he turns violent because you have sought help for him, sit down with your parents and determine your next course of action. Nobody should live in fear and allow their partner to constantly abuse them physically and emotionally.

Will she keep hiding things from me?

Dear Kitoto,

I am in a dilemma. My friend, Mary, and I have known each other for six months. One of the first things we sought to know about each other within two months of meeting was past relationships and sexual experiences. We had an open discussion about the two issues and we were both comfortable with each other’s past.

The latest sexual experience for each of us was seven years ago, while the last relationship had ended more than a year earlier. We moved on with our friendship, which was very enjoyable and fulfilling.

Then, while discussing a relationship article in a local daily, Mary gave very brief responses to my questions. Unable to sustain a conversation on the topic, we moved on to other issues, but she promised to explain why she was uncomfortable with the topic. The following day, as we began our conversation, Mary changed her mind and said she could not wait until the weekend to discuss the issue bothering her; she told me she had had sex (once) in 2012 and stopped communicating with the man soon after. She had no reason for not having disclosed this information earlier. We are in a long-distance relationship, so all our communications are via chats and phone calls.

My questions are:

a) Why did Mary not reveal this affair earlier? I am shocked and confused.

b) Should I trust her again?

c) Is there a possibility that she will not disclose vital information on time during our relationship, or even in marriage?

d) How can we build trust?

Tom

Hi,
Some of the key pointers to a growing, authentic relationship are:

1) Open communication: Each partner should speak as honestly and freely as possible. Holding back information might appear like betrayal. Partners who keep secrets at times fear that revealing such secrets might cause lasting damage to the relationship, a possibility they are not willing to face.

2) Faithfulness: The partners must build a relationship based on mutual trust. A relationship in which the partners are concerned about each other will most likely create a climate where selfish, individualistic agendas are put aside for the sake of enhancing the relationship.

3) Relational Intelligence: This is where we question the state of the relationship, including the things we find strange or incompatible with our ideas about the relationship.

In your case, the question would be whether there was a selfish agenda behind her decision not to share the information earlier. Was it that she feared how you would react? Remember that it looked okay earlier because both of you had been sexually involved in the distant past. I cannot say that I know her reason(s) for not sharing this information earlier. It will remain a matter of speculation until you ask her.

However, when she tells you the reason, do not to use it against her. Acceptance is key in bringing healing. Accept that both of you erred but are willing to make this relationship work. Remember, no one is perfect. We are all work in progress. Holding this view helps us remain kind to those who wrong us. When you accept someone, it is easier to forgive and start on the next chapter of building trust. Trust is not easy to build.

Here are some simple steps to doing it: 1) Accept that the other person betrayed your trust. 2) Acknowledge that we are all weak and fail from time to time. 3) Assure the other person of your desire to begin on a clean slate. 4) Hold each other accountable to a new way of relating that creates a climate of freedom and trust. 5) Refuse to look at them through their past failures. 6) Commit to living a value-based life.

How do I tame my high sexual urge?

Hello Mr Kitoto,

I’m a man in my early 30s. In the recent past, I have developed an abnormal urge for sex. Whenever I see a beautiful woman, my little Johnny will not hesitate to salute, and mostly, I end up having sex with them, irrespective of their marital status. Is there a remedy for my sexual urge. I fear I might get Aids if my sexual urge overwhelms me.

Please help.

Hi,
It is not abnormal to desire sex or be attracted to a person of the opposite sex. This is how we were created. However, sex has to be enjoyed within the confines of the institution for which it was created.

I am glad you have realised that your actions could lead to your contracting HIV, or any other sexually transmitted disease. This is one thing that should make you fear and run. The truth about HIV infections is as scary as it is haunting. I believe that you concur and will exercise self-control since no one else can do it for you. Self-control does not kill your urge for sex; it helps you not to misuse sex. Self-control enables you to channel your desire for sex in living a life that will lead you to honour and respect for sex within marriage.

I can’t help pining for the man I lost

Hi Phillip,

I was in love with a man living abroad, who would visit several times. We spent precious time together, although we never got intimate because I was still in school. The man used to spoil me with gifts and take me out to dinner – everything a girl deserved. 
Then, in January this year — by then I had finished school and was working — things fell apart when he went back abroad and stopped communicating. My question is, will he ever come back into my life? I think about him every now and then and pretend that everything is over but it has been almost a year now. Am I crazily in love?

Hi,

It is important for you to be sure about the reasons that would make him come back to you. Does he have any reason to come back? If he does, he will. But what I get from your email is that there was some level of fantasy that might not have included serious negotiations on why you needed each other. If you both had enough reason to fall in love, then this commitment should have been followed by ways in which you would conduct your long-distance relationship.

I believe that if this man really valued you and felt the way you feel about him, he should have shown it. For him to be away from you for a year and not communicate is not normal. So you need to know what you are looking for in this relationship. Once you do, both of you will be able to handle each other better. At the moment, he is relating to you on his terms. Don’t allow yourself into a relationship where you play second fiddle. You have feelings, wants and desires that must be addressed. However, the way you handle yourself from here will be key in determining the quality of your relationships